Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Exciting News

Zach Morris, reporting ON LOCATION from a Chinese Opium Den©

I shall now be posting at SegaReeks.

According to our trusted source, comradesnarky™ is an okay guy.

Our source also stated that Haneda and Brian Holzhauer will be posting here by the end of the week.

Our source finished off by stating that posting here would not harm my reputation, as it was already as low as it could possibly be.

Furthermore, our source confirmed that I am indeed the real Zach Morris.

Our source went on to confirm that the next Sega console won't be called Dreamcast at all. It will instead be called "32x."

According to our source, the console will use a full body virtual reality suit which will immerse you in a ray traced world.

32x will lay waste to the gaming environment, leaving behind a charred earth covered with rotting bodies where Sega is truly king.


Holy fuck. This one has massive implications. If you've ever gazed out into the great beyond, wondering what's out there... wondering the answers to life's greatest mysteries... the answer may soon be available to you. Zach Morris has found a source who can accurately predict the future and has confirmed that "Cafe shall not last very long at all."


Following the posting, the comments were flooded by Zach using different names all agreeing with each other. Is there anything that Zach Morris can't do? When I came onto the scene he was in Cancun, where he was hit in the head with a softball and subsequently killed hospitalized.

Now we have contact with psychics.

I've reached out to Zach Morris requesting permission to communicate with the psychic. We will update with the answer.

There are many questions I will pose to the psychic, all of which will be updated with answers:
-How did the dinosaurs die?
-What happened to the embryos that Nedry dropped in Jurassic Park?
-Where did the "Dino-Damage" piece from my young T-Rex Jurassic Park action figure go?
-Was the velociraptor really a "clever girl?"
-Will Jeff Goldblum be in an eventual Jurassic Park 4?
-Is it true that ProjectNRT is a failed half-retarded-inbred-accidentally-not-fully-terminated-abortion from Jurassic Park who has lived for at least 30 years while not gaining a single shred of common sense or knowledge?
-Furthermore, why hasn't ProjectNRT gained any grasp of the English language?
-Who shot JR? UPDATE: Kristin shot JR
-How many different personalities will Zach Morris create?
-Is the US stupid enough to vote for Donald Trump?
-What is the actual beef content of Taco Bell's "beef?"
-How is said "beef" so damn good?
-Will George Lucas fist fuck Star Wars again and make more changes for the Blu-Ray release?

If you have additional questions to ask the psychic, please submit them in the comments.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Gone again...

FGN0nline is now gone as well. Let us know if they pop up again.

Thanks to commenter sammyhill58 for posting regarding where they had moved to.

EDIT: Spoke too soon. Site is back.

Sunday, April 17, 2011


Until SegaLeaks reappears with another name and new crappy fake names and sources...

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Can we get much higher?

I can't resist this one, and why the hell not give the people what they want? The last two SegaReeks blog posts have been more popular than any others and we've had almost 1000 hits in less than a month.

Zach Morris Brian Holzhauer is back in explosive form! I bet you can already tell how much fun I'm going to have and how retarded this is.

Claim #1:
According to Clicky Web Analytics thousands of new readers are discovering Segaleaks on a daily basis.

Fact: There are allegedly about 2 billion internet users worldwide. There are also publicly available website stats over at Alexa! SegaLeaks reach is said to be... ouch. Roughly .000004% of the internet's population. This turns out to be.... 786.6 people every month. That means Alexa was kind enough to count Ringtard! A whole .6 buddy. You're getting there. This means that basically everyone who has visited SegaLeaks moved on through to SegaReeks.


Claim #2-3:
New console and arcade board in development at Sega. Neptune and Naomi 3.
Both systems are based on similar architectures.

Why would they even make the hardware distinguishable? The Naomi was a Dreamcast with more RAM. This would just cost them more money to make hardware that is distinguished. Similar architectures, sure, but it would only be logical for them to be basically the exact same thing except RAM since... I don't know, Sega did this before?

Zach, come see me after class.

Claim #4:
Naomi 3 unveiling date is set for AOU 2012.

Waiiit a fucking minute, wasn't this date always claimed for this year's AOU?

Furiously backpedaling. We're about to start the cycle over. The claims have come up wrong, and they need another year to build up a backlog of bullshit to keep Ringtard reading since... he's the only one not laughing his ass off. Prepare for: MrSega2012, Naomi32012, TornadoTatsuNeptune2012, ProjectNAO2012 and whatever the hell else might be decided upon.

Claim #5-6:
Neptune unveil date shall take place in Spring or early Summer 2012.
A release date of Q4 2012 is planned for both systems (Worldwide).

Sega's Q4 is between December-March. Most consoles are launched around November, PS2 (in Japan) and 3DS withstanding. Even if Sega were secretly building this console, they wouldn't ever have the momentum for a December or March launch.

I drive and own five Ferraris and three of them are Enzos.

Claim #7:
By launching Neptune a year before both Microsoft and Sony, Sega hopes to attain a 50-60% worldwide marketshare within 36 months of launch.

Okay, I'm not going to lie. This one was honestly the reason why I decided to write another blog post. This is one of the dumbest things to ever be said in an attempt to sound like a source. If you'll allow it, some simple math. First, let's just think about the market as it is in 2011. There's 84.64 million Wiis in the world (as of 12-31-10), 50 million Xbox 360s (as of 1-6-2011) and 47.9 million PS3s (as of 12-31-10). Now, if my basic arithmetic skills are right (and they are, I'm not ringtard or Holzhauer) this adds up to a current console market of 182.54 million. This claims that Sega wants a 50-60% market share in 3 years. To make SegaLeaks look a tiny bit less stupid, we'll assume a 50% market share. This gives us 91.27 million consoles or 30.423 million consoles sold a year assuming 3 years. Don't forget that by 2012 the console market will be even larger as well.

Our SegaLeaks friends claim Sega wants a new console to sell faster than the Wii and overtake its market share in 3 years when the Wii hasn't even made it to 90 million in 5 years. If you didn't notice by my bolding, this pretty much discredits everything they've ever said. No company would be stupid enough to think they could pull that off.

Claim #8:
Development of both systems is being overseen by Yu Suzuki and Hiroshi Yagi.

Why the hell would Suzuki oversee its development? He's a game designer. He doesn't know dick about hardware engineering.

Family Guy exudes intelligence compared to this tripe.

Claim #9:
Development began in early 2009. This is when the very first incarnation of SegaLeaks ( appeared. Indeed, we have been privy since the outset.

I like the usage of the word privy. Readers have probably noticed that I favor a large vocabulary when writing. SegaLeaks is akin to reading the cave paintings of a third grader typically. You don't really get more sustenance than a few "Mr." titles in reference to mental constructs and occasionally a "shall." Anywho, if development began in 2009... just no. The Xbox 360 was conceived in early 2003 and came out in... 2005! We're supposed to believe this thing has another year and then some in development with development allegedly beginning in 2009?

9th grade level vocabulary, bad info.

Claim #10:
The chosen GPU is an Imagination Technologies PowerVR Series 6 ROGUE.

Why would they use off the shelf parts? It worked out horribly for them with Saturn.

Google search: "what is the next powervr gpu going to be called?"

Claim #11-12:
CPU details are not yet known, two possible contenders are the Fujitsu Venus and a SuperH Hitachi design.
Ram type and configuration are not yet known.

The CPU is sort of the first thing you'd choose. You don't paint the house before you build it. RAM... meh. Just say it'll be GDDR 3, guys. Nobody who reads this looks into this shit that much.

Bullshit tier.

Claim #13:
Naomi 3 is to use SSD as game media, whilst Neptune shall use Blu-Ray.

Awh, I'm flattered you guys. You see everyone, while I was attempting to troll the shit out of SegaLeaks and destroy the place from the inside, I made the point that using flash media would be retarded because of how expensive it is, and that Blu-Ray would be the only way to go.

I'm a source!

Claim #14:
Neither arcade nor console system shall be capable of real time Ray Tracing as was earlier reported. Reason cited, the CausticTwo unit which was initially thought to be part of the architecture is expected to cost $2,500 per 10,000 batch order when it is released later this year to professional markets. Sega hopes that prices shall have fallen by a significant margin by the end of the decade, making it feasible for use in a successor system (Neptune 2/Naomi 4).

Awh, I'm flattered you guys. You see everyone, while I was attempting to troll the shit out of SegaLeaks and destroy the place from the inside, I made the point that ray tracing was far too processor intensive to be used in a gaming console with where technology is at.

I'm a source!

Claim #15:
As it currently stands the new systems shall be capable of rendering the Unreal Engine 3 demo of GDC 2011 with the greatest of ease.

Uh, okay? The iPhone 4 runs Unreal 3.


Claim #16:
Shenmue 3 is in development for Neptune. Title shall be ready for a Q4 2013 release.

Sandbox games take huge development teams now. Some idiot would've ran around screaming "I'm working on Shenmue III!"

I should've brought my shovel and boots.

Claim #17:
Virtua Fighter 6 is in development for Naomi 3. A Summer 2013 debut in expected for Japanese amusement centers.

How many Yu Suzukis are there? He's overseeing the console development, making Virtua Fighter 6, making Shenmue III...

If this were true and the console is launching in 2012, why are all the good games coming out in 2013?

Claim #18:
House of The Dead 5 is expected to debut Naomi 3.



Claim #19:
Sega is targeting a $300 launch price tag for North American Neptune debut.

This is the most reasonable thing SegaLeaks has ever posted.

Status: Probably true if any of the other shit were true.

comradesnarky, out.

Monday, April 11, 2011


Well folks, this is the final word. I'll no longer be updating after this because there's really no reason to. The site has basically been disproven completely by that Sonic trailer that's for PS3 and Xbox 360. Wasn't Sega supposed to stop publishing for other consoles to gear up for the launch of "Neptune?" Hrm. I'm calling this SegaLeaks in the hopes that this will pop up right under the actual site/before the actual site for anyone who should type SegaLeaks into their Google search.

What do I think SegaLeaks is?

Trolling, plain and simple.

Not by the comments, but by the "writers," of which it's pretty easy to discern there's only one. My final coup-de-grace was to really get into SegaLeaks with some false info. Here's what happened when I emailed "Mr. Morris:"

I don't know about you guys but, I don't let anyone else access my email under any circumstances. Even if it's an account that would be made separately for something like SegaLeaks. I shot myself in the foot by not using a proxy to hide my location, and they used the board's IP function to find my location at a university. I backtracked and told Brian he was right about comradesnarky being a Sega employee (because I had also posted on the forums as comradesnarky without a proxy), and that I was currently doing a guest lecture series at said university. This was seemingly believed. How's that for gullible?

Anyhow, I went on and faked a video of an emulation section of the alleged Sega Neptune. It was somehow passed on for "Mr. Morris'" viewing, even though he couldn't access his email. I was told it would be posted by the FGN admins, who share the same email as "Zach Morris" (I'm not going to screenshot to prove that; go on and register, the administrative emails come from the same email account I was told to contact "Mr. Morris" at) and use the same vocabulary. It was posted here and surprisingly not believed by ringtard. Since they'll probably edit that thread as soon as they see this, you can see it on YouTube here. It was fun putting it together. It took about 10 minutes, and it was fun to imagine what a new Sega console would be like... which is what thinking about Sega consoles should be, since it's not going to happen any time soon. If you're curious about how I did it, I reskinned the program EmuLaunch, which is a great program if you're a Mac user. I got lazy on the Master System section because I felt 10 minutes was already too great of a time commitment. So that was supposed to be "no data" in the Master System section.

If you're somehow still doubting that all of these users are the same person, just take a look at almost every registered user on the FGN forums. Their ages are all in the 60s and up. If those aren't accounts made by someone in a hurry to put in an age and just make an account, I don't know what is. Same goes for the profile that commented on the YouTube video, and same goes for Haneda's profile over at the official Sega forums. Besides that, if Haneda was really a member of any Sega skunkworks team, they'd easily be able to determine who it was and how they were leaking the information. Businesses sort of keep employment records. Besides that, what good are sources in Sega Europe? When was the last time Sega Europe did anything?

What is our conclusion?

Zach Morris doesn't exist except in Saved by the Bell. If someone was really a 46-year veteran of the industry or whatever, they'd be well known. That would be from when console development teams were microscopic, and making games was a one or two man affair. There's no way his name slipped through the cracks for 46-years and he's only now surfacing in high profile on a WordPress site. Besides that, Haneda has claimed SegaLeaks gets over 10,000 hits a day. While that's clearly bullshit, if it were true, the site would've spread like wildfire by now. It would've been reported to Kotaku or Destructoid, and they would've been able to confirm or deny the rumors using genuine sources. Then if those rumors were confirmed to be's "Mr. Morris," using his real name to pass this information off.

Haneda is as real as the Flying Spaghetti Monster. If he is an engineer, he's a shitty one. As nice as ray tracing is, as I posted in that FGN thread that will probably deleted, the Quake Wars ray traced demo ran on a 16-core machine and it barely attained 30 FPS. If Sega's next console has a 16-core processor, it'll be thousands of dollars. Priced out of the market is an understatement. As mentioned earlier, he'd be incredibly easy for Sega to identify if he were leaking crucial information. That could easily be called industrial espionage, and with how Sega takes legal action pretty easily, he'd be shut up by now.

Who is Brian Holzhauer though? Well, no one as far as I can tell. It could be his real name, it could be an alias. Googling Brian Holzhauer turns up a thousand and one people, and since he doesn't have any known internet aliases except for such classy names as "PUSSY EATER" and "pornostar100" it's pretty impossible to track him down for discrediting his identity. The closest thing I could find was a Brady Holzhauer on LinkedIn whose only experience with gaming was as a "seasonal game advisor" at GameStop, which is a nice and fancy way of saying temporary employee over the holiday. Basically, Brian Holzhauer is a virgin. Who else has such an obsession with asses and sex?

So, what do we do now?

Internet vigilance. It'll be a case of trolls trolling trolls, but to hell with it. Obviously there's some people who buy into this shit. Maybe even Holzhauer himself believes he's telling the truth, but I sort of doubt it since that video would be the hardest evidence anyone ever had of the console, and it was dismissed pretty quickly.

Pound the site with spam comments. Do it every day on every article. He'll turn comment moderation back on, but he'll have to sift through every comment to determine the real ones. New people coming to the site will see no comments and think it's just a hoax site, and they'll be right. I'm sure eventually he'll move to a new site; don't stop then either.

If there's somehow an ability to IP ban, and we get IP banned, use a proxy site.

Before I go, ask yourself really genuinely... would you really want a new Sega console at this point? Many developers have said that Sammy destroyed Sega's atmosphere and really stifled the company. While we all have fond memories of the original Sega, they're long gone, and it's a sad fact. They're probably never going to be the same, and good Sega games are few and far between these days.

So, SegaLeaks/Reeks readers who have a brain inside of their skull, fight the good fight.

comradesnarky, out.