Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Exciting News

Zach Morris, reporting ON LOCATION from a Chinese Opium Den©

I shall now be posting at SegaReeks.

According to our trusted source, comradesnarky™ is an okay guy.

Our source also stated that Haneda and Brian Holzhauer will be posting here by the end of the week.

Our source finished off by stating that posting here would not harm my reputation, as it was already as low as it could possibly be.

Furthermore, our source confirmed that I am indeed the real Zach Morris.

Our source went on to confirm that the next Sega console won't be called Dreamcast at all. It will instead be called "32x."

According to our source, the console will use a full body virtual reality suit which will immerse you in a ray traced world.

32x will lay waste to the gaming environment, leaving behind a charred earth covered with rotting bodies where Sega is truly king.

BREAKING: PSYCHICS FOUND

Holy fuck. This one has massive implications. If you've ever gazed out into the great beyond, wondering what's out there... wondering the answers to life's greatest mysteries... the answer may soon be available to you. Zach Morris has found a source who can accurately predict the future and has confirmed that "Cafe shall not last very long at all."

Fuck.

Following the posting, the comments were flooded by Zach using different names all agreeing with each other. Is there anything that Zach Morris can't do? When I came onto the scene he was in Cancun, where he was hit in the head with a softball and subsequently killed hospitalized.

Now we have contact with psychics.

I've reached out to Zach Morris requesting permission to communicate with the psychic. We will update with the answer.

There are many questions I will pose to the psychic, all of which will be updated with answers:
-How did the dinosaurs die?
-What happened to the embryos that Nedry dropped in Jurassic Park?
-Where did the "Dino-Damage" piece from my young T-Rex Jurassic Park action figure go?
-Was the velociraptor really a "clever girl?"
-Will Jeff Goldblum be in an eventual Jurassic Park 4?
-Is it true that ProjectNRT is a failed half-retarded-inbred-accidentally-not-fully-terminated-abortion from Jurassic Park who has lived for at least 30 years while not gaining a single shred of common sense or knowledge?
-Furthermore, why hasn't ProjectNRT gained any grasp of the English language?
-Who shot JR? UPDATE: Kristin shot JR
-How many different personalities will Zach Morris create?
-Is the US stupid enough to vote for Donald Trump?
-What is the actual beef content of Taco Bell's "beef?"
-How is said "beef" so damn good?
-Will George Lucas fist fuck Star Wars again and make more changes for the Blu-Ray release?

If you have additional questions to ask the psychic, please submit them in the comments.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Gone again...

FGN0nline is now gone as well. Let us know if they pop up again.

Thanks to commenter sammyhill58 for posting regarding where they had moved to.

EDIT: Spoke too soon. Site is back.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Victory.

Until SegaLeaks reappears with another name and new crappy fake names and sources...

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Can we get much higher?

I can't resist this one, and why the hell not give the people what they want? The last two SegaReeks blog posts have been more popular than any others and we've had almost 1000 hits in less than a month.

Zach Morris Brian Holzhauer is back in explosive form! I bet you can already tell how much fun I'm going to have and how retarded this is.

Claim #1:
According to Clicky Web Analytics thousands of new readers are discovering Segaleaks on a daily basis.

Fact:
No...no. There are allegedly about 2 billion internet users worldwide. There are also publicly available website stats over at Alexa! SegaLeaks reach is said to be... ouch. Roughly .000004% of the internet's population. This turns out to be.... 786.6 people every month. That means Alexa was kind enough to count Ringtard! A whole .6 buddy. You're getting there. This means that basically everyone who has visited SegaLeaks moved on through to SegaReeks.

Status:
SOMEWHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEREEEEEEEEEEEE OVER THE RAIIINBOOOOWWWWW

Claim #2-3:
New console and arcade board in development at Sega. Neptune and Naomi 3.
Both systems are based on similar architectures.

Fact:
Why would they even make the hardware distinguishable? The Naomi was a Dreamcast with more RAM. This would just cost them more money to make hardware that is distinguished. Similar architectures, sure, but it would only be logical for them to be basically the exact same thing except RAM since... I don't know, Sega did this before?

Status:
Zach, come see me after class.

Claim #4:
Naomi 3 unveiling date is set for AOU 2012.

Fact:
Waiiit a fucking minute, wasn't this date always claimed for this year's AOU?

Status:
Furiously backpedaling. We're about to start the cycle over. The claims have come up wrong, and they need another year to build up a backlog of bullshit to keep Ringtard reading since... he's the only one not laughing his ass off. Prepare for: MrSega2012, Naomi32012, TornadoTatsuNeptune2012, ProjectNAO2012 and whatever the hell else might be decided upon.

Claim #5-6:
Neptune unveil date shall take place in Spring or early Summer 2012.
A release date of Q4 2012 is planned for both systems (Worldwide).


Fact:
Sega's Q4 is between December-March. Most consoles are launched around November, PS2 (in Japan) and 3DS withstanding. Even if Sega were secretly building this console, they wouldn't ever have the momentum for a December or March launch.

Status:
I drive and own five Ferraris and three of them are Enzos.

Claim #7:
By launching Neptune a year before both Microsoft and Sony, Sega hopes to attain a 50-60% worldwide marketshare within 36 months of launch.

Fact:
Okay, I'm not going to lie. This one was honestly the reason why I decided to write another blog post. This is one of the dumbest things to ever be said in an attempt to sound like a source. If you'll allow it, some simple math. First, let's just think about the market as it is in 2011. There's 84.64 million Wiis in the world (as of 12-31-10), 50 million Xbox 360s (as of 1-6-2011) and 47.9 million PS3s (as of 12-31-10). Now, if my basic arithmetic skills are right (and they are, I'm not ringtard or Holzhauer) this adds up to a current console market of 182.54 million. This claims that Sega wants a 50-60% market share in 3 years. To make SegaLeaks look a tiny bit less stupid, we'll assume a 50% market share. This gives us 91.27 million consoles or 30.423 million consoles sold a year assuming 3 years. Don't forget that by 2012 the console market will be even larger as well.

Status:
Our SegaLeaks friends claim Sega wants a new console to sell faster than the Wii and overtake its market share in 3 years when the Wii hasn't even made it to 90 million in 5 years. If you didn't notice by my bolding, this pretty much discredits everything they've ever said. No company would be stupid enough to think they could pull that off.

Claim #8:
Development of both systems is being overseen by Yu Suzuki and Hiroshi Yagi.

Fact:
Why the hell would Suzuki oversee its development? He's a game designer. He doesn't know dick about hardware engineering.

Status:
Family Guy exudes intelligence compared to this tripe.

Claim #9:
Development began in early 2009. This is when the very first incarnation of SegaLeaks (FGNOnline.webs.com) appeared. Indeed, we have been privy since the outset.

Fact:
I like the usage of the word privy. Readers have probably noticed that I favor a large vocabulary when writing. SegaLeaks is akin to reading the cave paintings of a third grader typically. You don't really get more sustenance than a few "Mr." titles in reference to mental constructs and occasionally a "shall." Anywho, if development began in 2009... just no. The Xbox 360 was conceived in early 2003 and came out in... 2005! We're supposed to believe this thing has another year and then some in development with development allegedly beginning in 2009?

Conclusion:
9th grade level vocabulary, bad info.

Claim #10:
The chosen GPU is an Imagination Technologies PowerVR Series 6 ROGUE.

Fact:
Why would they use off the shelf parts? It worked out horribly for them with Saturn.

Status:
Google search: "what is the next powervr gpu going to be called?"

Claim #11-12:
CPU details are not yet known, two possible contenders are the Fujitsu Venus and a SuperH Hitachi design.
Ram type and configuration are not yet known.

Fact:
The CPU is sort of the first thing you'd choose. You don't paint the house before you build it. RAM... meh. Just say it'll be GDDR 3, guys. Nobody who reads this looks into this shit that much.

Status:
Bullshit tier.

Claim #13:
Naomi 3 is to use SSD as game media, whilst Neptune shall use Blu-Ray.

Fact:
Awh, I'm flattered you guys. You see everyone, while I was attempting to troll the shit out of SegaLeaks and destroy the place from the inside, I made the point that using flash media would be retarded because of how expensive it is, and that Blu-Ray would be the only way to go.

Status:
I'm a source!

Claim #14:
Neither arcade nor console system shall be capable of real time Ray Tracing as was earlier reported. Reason cited, the CausticTwo unit which was initially thought to be part of the architecture is expected to cost $2,500 per 10,000 batch order when it is released later this year to professional markets. Sega hopes that prices shall have fallen by a significant margin by the end of the decade, making it feasible for use in a successor system (Neptune 2/Naomi 4).

Fact:
Awh, I'm flattered you guys. You see everyone, while I was attempting to troll the shit out of SegaLeaks and destroy the place from the inside, I made the point that ray tracing was far too processor intensive to be used in a gaming console with where technology is at.

Status:
I'm a source!

Claim #15:
As it currently stands the new systems shall be capable of rendering the Unreal Engine 3 demo of GDC 2011 with the greatest of ease.

Fact:
Uh, okay? The iPhone 4 runs Unreal 3.

Status:
Huh?

Claim #16:
Shenmue 3 is in development for Neptune. Title shall be ready for a Q4 2013 release.

Fact:
Sandbox games take huge development teams now. Some idiot would've ran around screaming "I'm working on Shenmue III!"

Status:
I should've brought my shovel and boots.

Claim #17:
Virtua Fighter 6 is in development for Naomi 3. A Summer 2013 debut in expected for Japanese amusement centers.

Fact:
How many Yu Suzukis are there? He's overseeing the console development, making Virtua Fighter 6, making Shenmue III...

Status:
If this were true and the console is launching in 2012, why are all the good games coming out in 2013?

Claim #18:
House of The Dead 5 is expected to debut Naomi 3.

Fact:
SUFFER LIKE G DID!?

Status:
HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE

Claim #19:
Sega is targeting a $300 launch price tag for North American Neptune debut.

Fact:
This is the most reasonable thing SegaLeaks has ever posted.

Status: Probably true if any of the other shit were true.

comradesnarky, out.

Monday, April 11, 2011

SegaLeaks

Well folks, this is the final word. I'll no longer be updating after this because there's really no reason to. The site has basically been disproven completely by that Sonic trailer that's for PS3 and Xbox 360. Wasn't Sega supposed to stop publishing for other consoles to gear up for the launch of "Neptune?" Hrm. I'm calling this SegaLeaks in the hopes that this will pop up right under the actual site/before the actual site for anyone who should type SegaLeaks into their Google search.

What do I think SegaLeaks is?

Trolling, plain and simple.

Not by the comments, but by the "writers," of which it's pretty easy to discern there's only one. My final coup-de-grace was to really get into SegaLeaks with some false info. Here's what happened when I emailed "Mr. Morris:"

I don't know about you guys but, I don't let anyone else access my email under any circumstances. Even if it's an account that would be made separately for something like SegaLeaks. I shot myself in the foot by not using a proxy to hide my location, and they used the board's IP function to find my location at a university. I backtracked and told Brian he was right about comradesnarky being a Sega employee (because I had also posted on the forums as comradesnarky without a proxy), and that I was currently doing a guest lecture series at said university. This was seemingly believed. How's that for gullible?

Anyhow, I went on and faked a video of an emulation section of the alleged Sega Neptune. It was somehow passed on for "Mr. Morris'" viewing, even though he couldn't access his email. I was told it would be posted by the FGN admins, who share the same email as "Zach Morris" (I'm not going to screenshot to prove that; go on and register, the administrative emails come from the same email account I was told to contact "Mr. Morris" at) and use the same vocabulary. It was posted here and surprisingly not believed by ringtard. Since they'll probably edit that thread as soon as they see this, you can see it on YouTube here. It was fun putting it together. It took about 10 minutes, and it was fun to imagine what a new Sega console would be like... which is what thinking about Sega consoles should be, since it's not going to happen any time soon. If you're curious about how I did it, I reskinned the program EmuLaunch, which is a great program if you're a Mac user. I got lazy on the Master System section because I felt 10 minutes was already too great of a time commitment. So that was supposed to be "no data" in the Master System section.

If you're somehow still doubting that all of these users are the same person, just take a look at almost every registered user on the FGN forums. Their ages are all in the 60s and up. If those aren't accounts made by someone in a hurry to put in an age and just make an account, I don't know what is. Same goes for the profile that commented on the YouTube video, and same goes for Haneda's profile over at the official Sega forums. Besides that, if Haneda was really a member of any Sega skunkworks team, they'd easily be able to determine who it was and how they were leaking the information. Businesses sort of keep employment records. Besides that, what good are sources in Sega Europe? When was the last time Sega Europe did anything?

What is our conclusion?

Zach Morris doesn't exist except in Saved by the Bell. If someone was really a 46-year veteran of the industry or whatever, they'd be well known. That would be from when console development teams were microscopic, and making games was a one or two man affair. There's no way his name slipped through the cracks for 46-years and he's only now surfacing in high profile on a WordPress site. Besides that, Haneda has claimed SegaLeaks gets over 10,000 hits a day. While that's clearly bullshit, if it were true, the site would've spread like wildfire by now. It would've been reported to Kotaku or Destructoid, and they would've been able to confirm or deny the rumors using genuine sources. Then if those rumors were confirmed to be true...here's "Mr. Morris," using his real name to pass this information off.

Haneda is as real as the Flying Spaghetti Monster. If he is an engineer, he's a shitty one. As nice as ray tracing is, as I posted in that FGN thread that will probably deleted, the Quake Wars ray traced demo ran on a 16-core machine and it barely attained 30 FPS. If Sega's next console has a 16-core processor, it'll be thousands of dollars. Priced out of the market is an understatement. As mentioned earlier, he'd be incredibly easy for Sega to identify if he were leaking crucial information. That could easily be called industrial espionage, and with how Sega takes legal action pretty easily, he'd be shut up by now.

Who is Brian Holzhauer though? Well, no one as far as I can tell. It could be his real name, it could be an alias. Googling Brian Holzhauer turns up a thousand and one people, and since he doesn't have any known internet aliases except for such classy names as "PUSSY EATER" and "pornostar100" it's pretty impossible to track him down for discrediting his identity. The closest thing I could find was a Brady Holzhauer on LinkedIn whose only experience with gaming was as a "seasonal game advisor" at GameStop, which is a nice and fancy way of saying temporary employee over the holiday. Basically, Brian Holzhauer is a virgin. Who else has such an obsession with asses and sex?

So, what do we do now?

Internet vigilance. It'll be a case of trolls trolling trolls, but to hell with it. Obviously there's some people who buy into this shit. Maybe even Holzhauer himself believes he's telling the truth, but I sort of doubt it since that video would be the hardest evidence anyone ever had of the console, and it was dismissed pretty quickly.

Pound the site with spam comments. Do it every day on every article. He'll turn comment moderation back on, but he'll have to sift through every comment to determine the real ones. New people coming to the site will see no comments and think it's just a hoax site, and they'll be right. I'm sure eventually he'll move to a new site; don't stop then either.

If there's somehow an ability to IP ban, and we get IP banned, use a proxy site.

Before I go, ask yourself really genuinely... would you really want a new Sega console at this point? Many developers have said that Sammy destroyed Sega's atmosphere and really stifled the company. While we all have fond memories of the original Sega, they're long gone, and it's a sad fact. They're probably never going to be the same, and good Sega games are few and far between these days.

So, SegaLeaks/Reeks readers who have a brain inside of their skull, fight the good fight.

comradesnarky, out.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Exclusive: Ringedge2010/projectNRT/MrSega/TornadoTatsumaki Retrospective

Some people never stop. They deserve some appreciation. That's why we've decided to make ringtard look more like an idiot honor everyone's favorite bullshit SegaLeaks devotee, Ringtard.

The Man
We may never know more about Ringtard than what Google has compiled in its search database. What do we know? He has an incredible devotion to using proper English, and he has never told a lie. His devotion to spreading the truth is incredible.

The Posts
While we may never know exactly when Ringtard's meteoric rise to idiocy power began, we know some of his early origins.

He seems to have gotten his start at the official Sega forums, brashly claiming that RingEdge wasn't just an arcade board; it was also a console. When an admin interjects that there's genuinely nothing in development, and if he was under an NDA he couldn't even comment in any way, Ringtard says it proves nothing, even though the admin was very cordial in his statement. By browsing the official Sega forums, we can also see that Ringtard's undying reliance on trademarks as bearers of all truth began early. The admin later went on to ban Ringtard, completely surprisingly I might add, for being a troublemaker.

Later, Ringtard arrived at the Mania boards, spouting the same baseless conjecture that RingEdge would also be a console. It went down there largely as it did on the official Sega boards. He surfaces again on the Anime News Network where, as the first post shows, they were quickly annoyed enough by him to track him back to the Mania boards and point out that Ringtard doesn't let logic interfere with his thought process.

Most recently, MrSega has been terrorizing the Dreamcast-Talk boards, where he was previously banned as RingEdge2010 (for covering the board in SegaLeaks' bullshit, I might add), before being given his own rumors forum to create false hope for people gullible enough to believe him. Recently, his pestering of the admin led to a less-than-24-hours stint as a moderator, which was promptly ended once Comrade Snarky and stu pointed out MrSega as being the true troublemaker.

Well Ringtard, when will it end? How long do you have to believe in something false before you give up the ghost? Your fabled RingEdge console never surfaced, and the one you believe in now won't either.

Retardation inbound: $1000 Sega console confirmed

This is funny enough with me not even saying anything. 8-core processors are right around $400 right now. That's the cost of the high end Xbox 360 at launch. So, unless this new Sega console is just going to be a processor in a box, it's either going to be around $1000, or Sega is planning on taking at least a $500 loss on a console.

Let me hit my crack pipe and get back to you.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Contradictions inbound; Ringtard disagrees with Morris, Morris disagrees with Holzhauer

Shocking news today as Ringtard bites the hand that feeds him. He has disagreed with Zach Morris' statement that a PS4 will be available in 2013 saying "BTW, there will be NO PS4."

This is a very shocking revelation, as it means that several things could be happening to ringtard.

1. Ringtard is agreeing with Brian Holzhauer. This could never happen though, because Brian Holzhauer is a disgusting human being (read: personality) who posts asses. Incidentally, Ringtard agreeing with Holzhauer means that Morris disagrees with Holzhauer. This site is more scattershot than Chris Tucker after smoking PCP in Friday. One day something is cancelled, the next day it's on. This PS4 release date is now very set in stone though.

2. Ringtard is becoming the troll he accuses SegaReeks' royal followers and fans (and there are a lot of you; we've had almost 600 hits in less than a month) of being. You can't disagree with Zach Morris or Haneda. If you do, you're a troll.

3. Ringtard is beginning to think he knows enough to be a source. Honestly, this is the funniest possible scenario. That's all the SegaLeaks writers did. "Hey... I know Sega pretty well. I'm going to make guesses about what they're going to do and say it's fact!" I await your illiterate blog, Ringtard. Protip: Your shows possession. You're is a shortening of you are. You're on your own with there/their/they're. It'd be too hard to educate you in those. I'm getting a business degree, not a teaching certificate.

4. Ringtard's less than 24-hour stint as mod at Dreamcast-Talk has given him some sort of ego boost even though he was promptly removed from his position of power.

The future holds exciting things for all of us. None of those things being a new Sega console.

C-C-C-COMBO!

SegaLeaks has done it! Three comments on an article, all within two minutes of each other!

It's an exciting day for internet retardation.

We've received word that E3 has been cancelled this year. Not that this would make a difference. Nothing ever gets announced at E3. That's how we know these are Sega's last games.

Please note: Due to excruciatingly high levels of retardation, this post is sarcastic. Looking at you, everyone who reads SegaLeaks and believes it's true.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Could Japanese tsunami have killed Tom?

Sad news today, as it's rumored that Tom's Hotdogs has vanished in the aftermath of the tsunami. There are reports that no black stereotypes have been seen in Yokosuka for weeks now. Allegedly, the hot dog cart was swept out to sea.

We reached out to one Ryo Hazuki however, he was pre-occupied with some sailors.

It gets funnier...

SegaLeaks dusted off the "Internal Workings of games industry from a Japanese correspondant" blog today in an attempt to confirm more bullshit.

Want to know what's really funny?

The blog is claiming Surfer Girl as a writer. Surfer Girl of Surfer Girl Reviews Star Wars? Surfer Girl who stopped blogging about 4 years ago and hasn't been heard of since? Even Surfer Girl would recognize a Wii 2 having an ARM processor as retarded, especially with how Nintendo pushes backwards compatibility.

Nice try, SegaLeaks. Protip: there are lots of free email services. Here's what you can do with them; you can use them to register multiple blogging accounts. Check this out, this shit is going to blow your fucking mind. I hope your ass is firmly planted in a chair, because it's about to be blown out. If you register different accounts, you can post on the blog with different accounts. This would make your bullshit seem ten times less like... well, bullshit. Here's what I mean; on all of your blogs, you post under one account. They all come from the SegaLeaks account, and then you just add a different writing author. Same goes for your "Japanese source" blog which doesn't have a concise name that lends itself to retyping.

If you want to lie effectively, you shouldn't make claims that Sega's profits for fiscal 2011 will be $500 million or more. Pray tell, where exactly would that $500 million come from? Sonic 4? Vanquish? Surely not. Sega didn't have many high profile games in the past year, and Sega's Q3 results didn't paint a pretty picture for Vanquish. It made money, but, it's not giving anybody profits of $500 million.

Funding not a problem? Funding is definitely a problem. If Sega launched a console, they'd be sucking so many dicks for money that they'd make Lindsay Lohan look like Mother Teresa. Cocaine isn't cheap, and neither is launching a console.

Shenmue III costing less than $20 million? For me to believe that, you'd have to get me a stash of drugs that puts Hunter S. Thompson to shame, even with your beloved ray tracing.

I can't figure out how to end this post, so I'll just say that in fiscal year 2010 Sega had $40 million invested into R&D. Go look at their annual report. If Shenmue III costs less than $20 million, then that means this console was also developed for $20 million. Sega must have some seriously cheap bastards running the place. I sure as shit can't figure these numbers out.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Bullshit/Bullshit Recap

This is just getting desperately boring.

A Sony device that no one expected to go anywhere is getting lukewarm reception. Cue the world's smallest violin playing for Sony. Cue SegaLeaks claiming Sony is dying. We've just staged an off-broadway Shakespearean tragedy.

Nintendo stock is "tanking". Welcome to the aftermath of a tsunami. The entire Nikkei is down 42 points.

Finally, the meat of the bullshit.

The "Neptune/Model 4" is going to distribute games on flash cards, likely according to the source that Zach Morris blew in a Cancun bathroom met cordially over lunch. The source claims Sega's genius plan is to distribute games on 8gb flash cards. This bodes well for their future, since developers have said that DVD-9 discs aren't enough storage space anymore. In my opinion, it's a brilliant move; purposefully debilitate your system by using a limited storage space. Not only that, games will be more expensive due to being distributed on flash media. This system will print money.

Clearly, the sky is the limit with this device. I highly anticipate the inclusion of a 56k modem and an Intel Pentium III processor. My sources have confirmed to me that the device will also include a 128mb video card and a staggering 512mb of RAM.

Sega is also allegedly developing a 5" floppy drive add-on. The device is rumored to retail for $299. This will finally put Sony to death, and put a bullet right through Nintendo's brain.

They'll die like pigs.

April Fools Day Mega Post

Six whole posts before I even checked the site?

April Fools day. On this day, SegaLeaks becomes a complete joke, instead of people being so stupid that they make things funny.

I'd take the following two administrative announcements with a grain of salt since it's April fools day.

WordPress asks SegaLeaks to "withdraw" from "women's entertainment." This is pretty funny because SegaLeaks tries to sound important by saying that WordPress asked them to withdraw. WordPress is a free site and posting stuff like that is probably a violation of their terms of service. Since WordPress is a free site, the email was probably more like "your account is in violation, cease immediately or you will be shut down."

A "moderation team" has allegedly been reinstated. I say allegedly because the only person who doesn't think SegaLeaks is a shit hole deserving of all the stupid comments it gets is Ringtard. So, team is more like lone ranger in this case

Now we have more some completely irrelevant posts.




Also, the 3DS has "bombed" in the UK. That's fascinating considering the fact that with 113,000 units sold in the UK it's Nintendo's most successful hardware launch in the region.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Zach Morris' Ghost Leaves Hospital, Comrade Snarky Angry

Okay, we're supposed to believe that they kept even an old ass man in the hospital for 24 hours for a concussion from getting hit with a softball?

I've had several surgeries and other injuries and I've only stayed in the hospital for 24 hours twice. One was an appendectomy and the other was the time I got so drunk that my BAC hit .264. That's #winning and also 3.3 times the legal limit.

The bar has been raised, Mr. Morris. How drunk can you get?

SegaLeaks Gets Sadder: Now Making Fake Sites With Fake Articles to Verify Fake Information

When will it end?

This blog popped up earlier today coming from Brian Holzhauer a source within the Japanese gaming industry. Its initial appearance proved how inept truthful the source was, with a world exclusive unveiling of Metal Gear Solid 6 5.

This one is for you, Brian Holzhauer Japanese source:

If you're going to make a fake blog in an attempt to verify your information, you should probably do it on a different day than the day you're running your article. I mean, really Holzhauer Japanese source?

Let's take a look at your blog:

Your first article is posted at 8:10. It generates six comments coming in at 9:53, 9:54, 9:56, 9:58, 10:02 and 10:06. It was a nice touch waiting almost two hours to start putting on fake comments, Holzhauer Japanese source, but they're pretty obviously the fakest comments ever.

Your next article confirming Metal Gear Solid 6 5 was posted 19 (8:29) minutes later. The comments flow in at a nice rate, with postings at 9:59, 10:03 and 10:05. Again, generic comments meaning nothing. Also, Holzhauer Japanese source, that little thing you do where you make a typo and someone quotes it, then you edit it and say the person has bad reading comprehension doesn't really work at all when clearly you're the retarded one.

Ah, another article! This one comes three minutes after the Metal Gear Solid 6 5 announcement. Picking up the pace a little bit. How's your commenting speed on this one, Holzhauer Japanese source? 10:00 and 10:12. Nice spacing. That looks a bit more genuine.

No comments on this one, and it comes 3 minutes after your last comment at 10:15.

Well folks, what has Holzhauer Japanese source taught us today?

You too can build a blog, and you can do it in no time at all!

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Zach Morris still dead; ghost is retarded as well

Zach Morris' ghost proved itself to be more retarded than the original today. He's not that lonely though because Brian Holzhauer isn't much smarter.

All I have to say is that SegaLeaks can't have its cake and eat it too. If Sony is faltering, then why are we now expecting the NGP to destroy the 3DS? Is the industry just supposed to implode like the 80s? If that happens... Sega doesn't get a console either.

That said, please drink the water, Mr. Morris.

Zach Morris killed in softball game

SegaReeks received word today that Zach Morris was killed in a game of softball.

Long-time SegaLeaks readers will remember a similar incident where Yu Suzuki's mother was killed in the tsunami, when she was actually just missing.

Barry Bonds weighed in on the situation saying the following:

What was that old-ass man doing playing softball and who the fuck let that wrinkled up old prune into Cancun?

Comrade Snarky weighed in as well:

No, seriously. They're going to say Zach Morris died. That's their easy out for not having any genuine info regarding this Sega console they say is coming. This is well timed since the unveil of this console is coming. Pretty sure Ringtard is going to post his condolences in the comments while chastising Holzhauer for putting an ass in the header image. On that note, I don't think anyone would care if Ringtard kicked the bucket either. He's either 25, stupid and living in his mom's basement or he's 14. Maybe like 8 or 9 actually. How could you have a problem with porn if you have any sort of genitals? I mean, you have genitals at 9 but they're not quite active yet. You have to go through puberty. I would also like to say that dying in a game of softball? It's called softball for a fucking reason. If they seriously say he dies because of this, it will be gold. I'll write a fucking script and pitch it to a studio. It's called softball because the ball is soft. That soft would be italicized, but this is already italicized. I got pegged so hard when I was playing baseball once that you could see the stitching of the ball imprinted on my fucking forehead, and I didn't even get knocked out. Granted, I wasn't a 70 year old man, or whatever the fuck they claim.

I also really like the word fuck.

More as the story develops.



The Limbo of Incest: How Low Can We Go?

Today on SegaLeaks: incest.

No, seriously. Did anybody ever think about what porn involving twins is? It seems to be a widespread fantasy, and it's incest. I compel you to get a boner while looking at that, Brian Holzhauer. Then, once you have that boner, consider that those two girls were raised together as sisters, and shared their toys and several loving childhood memories. Much like you probably do with your siblings. Now look at them grinding their asses together. Now look at your... oh, it's gone now, isn't it?

Sega has announced a new game for Xbox Live Arcade and PlayStation Network which... somehow validates SegaLeaks' claim that Sega will be abandoning physical media? I gotta tell you, I just don't see it. SegaLeaks operates like the best right wing talk radio. You take something that is fact, and then you twist it into some gruesome half-truth lie. This is exactly what the entire right wing did when Obama started working on health care reform.

Let me demonstrate:

1. Sega profits from downloadable games (Americans would like health care support)

2. Sega says that it is in their interest to publish more downloadable games (Obama says he will work on health care for Americans)

3. SegaLeaks claims that Sega will be abandoning physical media in favor of downloadable games (The right wing clai-HOLY FUCK SOCIALISM)

Here's why your idea that Sega is producing a download-only console is more fucking retarded than if I were to stick my dick in a light socket:

1. Sega has no fucking money. They have less than 2 billion dollars. I don't feel like going and getting the numbers because frankly, I don't give a flying fuck to cite my sources against a website that doesn't cite its own. If you're interested, go find Sega-Sammy's 2010 annual reports. The number is on page 62. Consider that Microsoft spent $500 million marketing Kinect in America alone. That doesn't even account for their manufacturing costs.

I was going to do more, but why should I? I want a Ferrari. I don't have enough money for a Ferrari. So I don't get a fucking Ferrari.

It's how the world works, folks. Sega doesn't have the money, so they don't get to make a new console.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Developing: "Professional" to be redefined

We've just received notice that two well-established words will be receiving new definitions at the request of Haneda. Zach Morris pulled some strings within Sega, which then pulled some strings within Sammy, which then pulled some strings within the Japanese government (they weren't very taut strings; the tsunami didn't effect them), which then pulled some strings in the United States government.

Professional will be changing from "following an occupation as a means of livelihood or for gain" to "nonsense, lies or exaggeration," previously the definition for bullshit.

The next word receiving a new definition is associates. Associates will be changing from "a companion or comrade" to "a dissociative disorder that is characterized by the presence of two or more distinct and complex identities or personality states each of which becomes dominant and controls behavior from time to time to the exclusion of the others," previously the definition for multiple personality disorder.

These definition changes should validate Haneda's argument with Snarky.

We've also been contacted by Christopher Columbus' ghost (who should be noted as an excellent explorer, he discovered India North America) who used his excellent navigational skills to determine that Cancun had been relocated to a "hospital."

Furthermore, Comrade Snarky's college education would like to remind SegaLeaks that the "three" of you, one of whom is a "36-year industry veteran" couldn't even scrape together $10 to buy a Go-Daddy domain name. It would be hypocritical to note that I didn't do that either, but, I'm not claiming to be professional. I'm just an internet asshole criticizing you alleged Sega employee.

Breaking news: Comrade Snarky handed content to write about, can't think of anything funny

Breaking news!

It was a sleepy Monday morning in March; literally - Comrade Snarky was taking a nap before going out to get some lunch. Whether or not this is intentional is debatable, since he was watching one of those prison documentary shows at the time, which are his favorite. It is besides the point though, because upon his awakening...


Truly, you cannot understand how happy this made me.

A few things, folks:

1)If you really believe me to be a Sega employee, you should probably stop trying to guess my password on other sites. There's probably some precedent for legal action there, and a Sega employee would have the resources to pursue it.

2)Why the hell would Sega pay someone to argue on the internet? If companies do that, I need to go find a fucking job. I'd make a killing.

3)If I work for Sega, then you should have Mr. Morris (personality #1) have another meet up with Dogdson from Jurassic Park down there in Cancun and prove that I work for Sega.

Fun fact: This shitty little blog started to make fun of you idiots (potentially just one) maintains over half of the hits that you get in the year you've ran your site, and traffic spiked massively when you claimed I was a Sega employee. I'm thinking about monetizing this shit.

Reporting live from a location further north in Washington

Zach Morris is reportedly still vacationing in Cancun.

Further Sega bullshit is in the cards today, with an uncited claim that a new AMD processor is bound for this alleged Sega console which originally cites an unknown source who goes by the user name of BboyDubC, which really doesn't exude intelligence or confidence as a source, who isn't really Morris' source because it's just a post which he found on NeoGAF, who allegedly works for AMD just like my best friend's uncle who lives on the other side of the state and besides that what the fuck is an allegedly what, 69 or 70 year old man doing on NeoGAF and did anyone realize that for him to be a 36-year veteran of the industry he would have to been around since the fucking Magnavox Odyssey which in turn means... holy fuck this is retarded.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Slow News Day

It is a slow news day at SegaLeaks. Seriously. What are we supposed to make fun of? That ass is just really fat. It sags. Night Trap is the shittiest piece of shit ever. Why would anyone reminisce about that? I mean, I have a fucking Sega CD. Nothing to remember there, folks, even if the game caused a major controversy.

Hold on a minute...

BREAKING NEWS!

Strangely enough (not really), all of the user accounts have one post, indicating that this is likely one of our benevolent SegaLeaks dictators falsifying information. This action could be considered an act of war on the people of SegaLeaks, as until this point, they've been entirely trustworthy individuals who are generous to share such truthful information with us. It is alleged that the admins registered all of the voting accounts, and really, who can argue?


When will this deranged psychopath's third personality return from Cancun to restore order? Stay tuned...

Friday, March 25, 2011

Racing into the future: Technology at SegaLeaks

On March 23rd and 24th, amazing things happened at SegaLeaks; the site flew out of the stone age and into the technological era.

On the 23rd, a poll was instituted which allowed the sleepy nation of SegaLeaks to let its voice to be heard. The world watched in awe as a reviled dictatorship flourished into a democratic nation. The poll was in regards to the posting of incredibly average asses. This was a gutsy move, as SegaLeaks is one of the only known locations of pornography on the internet where mom and dad's porn filter won't be alerted.

Then, on March 24th, an animated .gif of an ass appeared. SegaLeaks had done it; they'd finally become a world superpower. When reached for comment, the United States refused to comment on SegaLeaks' acquisition of the .gif. However, all was not well in SegaLeaks. Almost immediately, accusations of fraud flew. With one "Sorcerer" using his stature in the magic community to say that he was "sure the poll was fixed." SegaReeks can confirm that the poll was indeed fixed. We have calculated readership of SegaLeaks to be roughly five people, with an astounding 34 coming out for the vote, a mathematical impossibility.

One citizen of SegaLeaks was especially outraged, going so far to claim that pornography is "disgusting,stupid,offensive and disrespectful to the Tsunami victims." SegaReeks reached out to David Duchovny to comment on the matter:

Is that guy retarded? Pornography is great. Have you seen my tape? The only way porn would ever be offensive to tsunami victims is if the girl got a big old ass, and then when you slap it, it shakes like Japan before the wave hit.

We reached Duchovny in the middle of a porn star bender with one Charlie Sheen.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Breaking: Asses return to SegaLeaks

After three entire posts lacking any form of white girl ass, SegaLeaks has had a miraculous return to form.

Comrade Snarky had this to say;

It's really not that great of an ass. Brian Holzhauer has... very mediocre taste in ass. The problem with this ass is that it appears large mostly because her hips are wide. You really have to be careful in judging an ass. It seems to also appear larger because of how small her underwear are. Look at the waist band! It's like... pulling in her fat. Her room is a mess as well. Totally not arousing.

Kleenex sales spiked at the posting of the ass. Samuel L. Jackson is "puzzled" at how white girl asses could spur so many Kleenex sales.

Jackson had this to say;

Clearly all the SegaLeaks readers are cracker-ass white-bread honkeys. I don't think they've ever seen a black woman's ass before.

Following the picture of an ass, there was a link to a Destructoid article, as well as a paragraph from it copy and pasted.

Kim Kardashian could not be reached for comment.

Reporting live from Washington

Good afternoon, SegaReeks readers.

SegaLeaks has confirmed today that Sega are hyper-active crackheads when it comes to decision making. A Sega insider had confirmed the launch line-up for a download only console, only to run out and purchase another crack rock. Upon smoking the rock, he reported that the download console was cancelled.

In other news, Zach Morris is reportedly vacationing in Cancun, where he had a rendezvous with another Sega insider.

We have an exclusive photo of the meeting occurring from our man in Cancun, Richard Dunn:
The man reportedly gave Morris a can of shaving cream, stating he was to "collect some of Haneda's DNA" after he had slipped him a note written on a napkin. The napkin is believed to be the document that the Sega truths were written on.

In other news, SegaLeaks appears to be reading Dreamcast-Talk.com, declaring that the Kids Pad is a PICO after one "comradesnarky," rumored to be batting 1000 as well as #winning, declared it to be so.

Stay tuned to SegaReeks, the only valid source for your Sega news.