Thursday, March 31, 2011

Zach Morris' Ghost Leaves Hospital, Comrade Snarky Angry

Okay, we're supposed to believe that they kept even an old ass man in the hospital for 24 hours for a concussion from getting hit with a softball?

I've had several surgeries and other injuries and I've only stayed in the hospital for 24 hours twice. One was an appendectomy and the other was the time I got so drunk that my BAC hit .264. That's #winning and also 3.3 times the legal limit.

The bar has been raised, Mr. Morris. How drunk can you get?

SegaLeaks Gets Sadder: Now Making Fake Sites With Fake Articles to Verify Fake Information

When will it end?

This blog popped up earlier today coming from Brian Holzhauer a source within the Japanese gaming industry. Its initial appearance proved how inept truthful the source was, with a world exclusive unveiling of Metal Gear Solid 6 5.

This one is for you, Brian Holzhauer Japanese source:

If you're going to make a fake blog in an attempt to verify your information, you should probably do it on a different day than the day you're running your article. I mean, really Holzhauer Japanese source?

Let's take a look at your blog:

Your first article is posted at 8:10. It generates six comments coming in at 9:53, 9:54, 9:56, 9:58, 10:02 and 10:06. It was a nice touch waiting almost two hours to start putting on fake comments, Holzhauer Japanese source, but they're pretty obviously the fakest comments ever.

Your next article confirming Metal Gear Solid 6 5 was posted 19 (8:29) minutes later. The comments flow in at a nice rate, with postings at 9:59, 10:03 and 10:05. Again, generic comments meaning nothing. Also, Holzhauer Japanese source, that little thing you do where you make a typo and someone quotes it, then you edit it and say the person has bad reading comprehension doesn't really work at all when clearly you're the retarded one.

Ah, another article! This one comes three minutes after the Metal Gear Solid 6 5 announcement. Picking up the pace a little bit. How's your commenting speed on this one, Holzhauer Japanese source? 10:00 and 10:12. Nice spacing. That looks a bit more genuine.

No comments on this one, and it comes 3 minutes after your last comment at 10:15.

Well folks, what has Holzhauer Japanese source taught us today?

You too can build a blog, and you can do it in no time at all!

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Zach Morris still dead; ghost is retarded as well

Zach Morris' ghost proved itself to be more retarded than the original today. He's not that lonely though because Brian Holzhauer isn't much smarter.

All I have to say is that SegaLeaks can't have its cake and eat it too. If Sony is faltering, then why are we now expecting the NGP to destroy the 3DS? Is the industry just supposed to implode like the 80s? If that happens... Sega doesn't get a console either.

That said, please drink the water, Mr. Morris.

Zach Morris killed in softball game

SegaReeks received word today that Zach Morris was killed in a game of softball.

Long-time SegaLeaks readers will remember a similar incident where Yu Suzuki's mother was killed in the tsunami, when she was actually just missing.

Barry Bonds weighed in on the situation saying the following:

What was that old-ass man doing playing softball and who the fuck let that wrinkled up old prune into Cancun?

Comrade Snarky weighed in as well:

No, seriously. They're going to say Zach Morris died. That's their easy out for not having any genuine info regarding this Sega console they say is coming. This is well timed since the unveil of this console is coming. Pretty sure Ringtard is going to post his condolences in the comments while chastising Holzhauer for putting an ass in the header image. On that note, I don't think anyone would care if Ringtard kicked the bucket either. He's either 25, stupid and living in his mom's basement or he's 14. Maybe like 8 or 9 actually. How could you have a problem with porn if you have any sort of genitals? I mean, you have genitals at 9 but they're not quite active yet. You have to go through puberty. I would also like to say that dying in a game of softball? It's called softball for a fucking reason. If they seriously say he dies because of this, it will be gold. I'll write a fucking script and pitch it to a studio. It's called softball because the ball is soft. That soft would be italicized, but this is already italicized. I got pegged so hard when I was playing baseball once that you could see the stitching of the ball imprinted on my fucking forehead, and I didn't even get knocked out. Granted, I wasn't a 70 year old man, or whatever the fuck they claim.

I also really like the word fuck.

More as the story develops.

The Limbo of Incest: How Low Can We Go?

Today on SegaLeaks: incest.

No, seriously. Did anybody ever think about what porn involving twins is? It seems to be a widespread fantasy, and it's incest. I compel you to get a boner while looking at that, Brian Holzhauer. Then, once you have that boner, consider that those two girls were raised together as sisters, and shared their toys and several loving childhood memories. Much like you probably do with your siblings. Now look at them grinding their asses together. Now look at your... oh, it's gone now, isn't it?

Sega has announced a new game for Xbox Live Arcade and PlayStation Network which... somehow validates SegaLeaks' claim that Sega will be abandoning physical media? I gotta tell you, I just don't see it. SegaLeaks operates like the best right wing talk radio. You take something that is fact, and then you twist it into some gruesome half-truth lie. This is exactly what the entire right wing did when Obama started working on health care reform.

Let me demonstrate:

1. Sega profits from downloadable games (Americans would like health care support)

2. Sega says that it is in their interest to publish more downloadable games (Obama says he will work on health care for Americans)

3. SegaLeaks claims that Sega will be abandoning physical media in favor of downloadable games (The right wing clai-HOLY FUCK SOCIALISM)

Here's why your idea that Sega is producing a download-only console is more fucking retarded than if I were to stick my dick in a light socket:

1. Sega has no fucking money. They have less than 2 billion dollars. I don't feel like going and getting the numbers because frankly, I don't give a flying fuck to cite my sources against a website that doesn't cite its own. If you're interested, go find Sega-Sammy's 2010 annual reports. The number is on page 62. Consider that Microsoft spent $500 million marketing Kinect in America alone. That doesn't even account for their manufacturing costs.

I was going to do more, but why should I? I want a Ferrari. I don't have enough money for a Ferrari. So I don't get a fucking Ferrari.

It's how the world works, folks. Sega doesn't have the money, so they don't get to make a new console.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Developing: "Professional" to be redefined

We've just received notice that two well-established words will be receiving new definitions at the request of Haneda. Zach Morris pulled some strings within Sega, which then pulled some strings within Sammy, which then pulled some strings within the Japanese government (they weren't very taut strings; the tsunami didn't effect them), which then pulled some strings in the United States government.

Professional will be changing from "following an occupation as a means of livelihood or for gain" to "nonsense, lies or exaggeration," previously the definition for bullshit.

The next word receiving a new definition is associates. Associates will be changing from "a companion or comrade" to "a dissociative disorder that is characterized by the presence of two or more distinct and complex identities or personality states each of which becomes dominant and controls behavior from time to time to the exclusion of the others," previously the definition for multiple personality disorder.

These definition changes should validate Haneda's argument with Snarky.

We've also been contacted by Christopher Columbus' ghost (who should be noted as an excellent explorer, he discovered India North America) who used his excellent navigational skills to determine that Cancun had been relocated to a "hospital."

Furthermore, Comrade Snarky's college education would like to remind SegaLeaks that the "three" of you, one of whom is a "36-year industry veteran" couldn't even scrape together $10 to buy a Go-Daddy domain name. It would be hypocritical to note that I didn't do that either, but, I'm not claiming to be professional. I'm just an internet asshole criticizing you alleged Sega employee.

Breaking news: Comrade Snarky handed content to write about, can't think of anything funny

Breaking news!

It was a sleepy Monday morning in March; literally - Comrade Snarky was taking a nap before going out to get some lunch. Whether or not this is intentional is debatable, since he was watching one of those prison documentary shows at the time, which are his favorite. It is besides the point though, because upon his awakening...

Truly, you cannot understand how happy this made me.

A few things, folks:

1)If you really believe me to be a Sega employee, you should probably stop trying to guess my password on other sites. There's probably some precedent for legal action there, and a Sega employee would have the resources to pursue it.

2)Why the hell would Sega pay someone to argue on the internet? If companies do that, I need to go find a fucking job. I'd make a killing.

3)If I work for Sega, then you should have Mr. Morris (personality #1) have another meet up with Dogdson from Jurassic Park down there in Cancun and prove that I work for Sega.

Fun fact: This shitty little blog started to make fun of you idiots (potentially just one) maintains over half of the hits that you get in the year you've ran your site, and traffic spiked massively when you claimed I was a Sega employee. I'm thinking about monetizing this shit.

Reporting live from a location further north in Washington

Zach Morris is reportedly still vacationing in Cancun.

Further Sega bullshit is in the cards today, with an uncited claim that a new AMD processor is bound for this alleged Sega console which originally cites an unknown source who goes by the user name of BboyDubC, which really doesn't exude intelligence or confidence as a source, who isn't really Morris' source because it's just a post which he found on NeoGAF, who allegedly works for AMD just like my best friend's uncle who lives on the other side of the state and besides that what the fuck is an allegedly what, 69 or 70 year old man doing on NeoGAF and did anyone realize that for him to be a 36-year veteran of the industry he would have to been around since the fucking Magnavox Odyssey which in turn means... holy fuck this is retarded.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Slow News Day

It is a slow news day at SegaLeaks. Seriously. What are we supposed to make fun of? That ass is just really fat. It sags. Night Trap is the shittiest piece of shit ever. Why would anyone reminisce about that? I mean, I have a fucking Sega CD. Nothing to remember there, folks, even if the game caused a major controversy.

Hold on a minute...


Strangely enough (not really), all of the user accounts have one post, indicating that this is likely one of our benevolent SegaLeaks dictators falsifying information. This action could be considered an act of war on the people of SegaLeaks, as until this point, they've been entirely trustworthy individuals who are generous to share such truthful information with us. It is alleged that the admins registered all of the voting accounts, and really, who can argue?

When will this deranged psychopath's third personality return from Cancun to restore order? Stay tuned...

Friday, March 25, 2011

Racing into the future: Technology at SegaLeaks

On March 23rd and 24th, amazing things happened at SegaLeaks; the site flew out of the stone age and into the technological era.

On the 23rd, a poll was instituted which allowed the sleepy nation of SegaLeaks to let its voice to be heard. The world watched in awe as a reviled dictatorship flourished into a democratic nation. The poll was in regards to the posting of incredibly average asses. This was a gutsy move, as SegaLeaks is one of the only known locations of pornography on the internet where mom and dad's porn filter won't be alerted.

Then, on March 24th, an animated .gif of an ass appeared. SegaLeaks had done it; they'd finally become a world superpower. When reached for comment, the United States refused to comment on SegaLeaks' acquisition of the .gif. However, all was not well in SegaLeaks. Almost immediately, accusations of fraud flew. With one "Sorcerer" using his stature in the magic community to say that he was "sure the poll was fixed." SegaReeks can confirm that the poll was indeed fixed. We have calculated readership of SegaLeaks to be roughly five people, with an astounding 34 coming out for the vote, a mathematical impossibility.

One citizen of SegaLeaks was especially outraged, going so far to claim that pornography is "disgusting,stupid,offensive and disrespectful to the Tsunami victims." SegaReeks reached out to David Duchovny to comment on the matter:

Is that guy retarded? Pornography is great. Have you seen my tape? The only way porn would ever be offensive to tsunami victims is if the girl got a big old ass, and then when you slap it, it shakes like Japan before the wave hit.

We reached Duchovny in the middle of a porn star bender with one Charlie Sheen.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Breaking: Asses return to SegaLeaks

After three entire posts lacking any form of white girl ass, SegaLeaks has had a miraculous return to form.

Comrade Snarky had this to say;

It's really not that great of an ass. Brian Holzhauer has... very mediocre taste in ass. The problem with this ass is that it appears large mostly because her hips are wide. You really have to be careful in judging an ass. It seems to also appear larger because of how small her underwear are. Look at the waist band! It's like... pulling in her fat. Her room is a mess as well. Totally not arousing.

Kleenex sales spiked at the posting of the ass. Samuel L. Jackson is "puzzled" at how white girl asses could spur so many Kleenex sales.

Jackson had this to say;

Clearly all the SegaLeaks readers are cracker-ass white-bread honkeys. I don't think they've ever seen a black woman's ass before.

Following the picture of an ass, there was a link to a Destructoid article, as well as a paragraph from it copy and pasted.

Kim Kardashian could not be reached for comment.

Reporting live from Washington

Good afternoon, SegaReeks readers.

SegaLeaks has confirmed today that Sega are hyper-active crackheads when it comes to decision making. A Sega insider had confirmed the launch line-up for a download only console, only to run out and purchase another crack rock. Upon smoking the rock, he reported that the download console was cancelled.

In other news, Zach Morris is reportedly vacationing in Cancun, where he had a rendezvous with another Sega insider.

We have an exclusive photo of the meeting occurring from our man in Cancun, Richard Dunn:
The man reportedly gave Morris a can of shaving cream, stating he was to "collect some of Haneda's DNA" after he had slipped him a note written on a napkin. The napkin is believed to be the document that the Sega truths were written on.

In other news, SegaLeaks appears to be reading, declaring that the Kids Pad is a PICO after one "comradesnarky," rumored to be batting 1000 as well as #winning, declared it to be so.

Stay tuned to SegaReeks, the only valid source for your Sega news.